"Kodachrome"

I think everyone has figured out by now that I don't add a lot of photographs to this blog.  As I look at other blogs, they seem to be loaded with a ton of wonderful candid family shots, or beautiful landscapes, or even abstract photos that are mysterious or funny or something.  I'm so jealous.  "So," you say, "Why don't you add more photos of your own?" (a perfectly logical question.)  Well, there's a reason for that, Cameras hate me.  Seriously!  They do!!

It's not that I don't think I look good in photographs, or that I don't know how to use a camera.  Oh no, its much more basic than that!
Whether digital, or Poloroid, or a little point and shoot gadget loaded with "Kodachrome" film, (does anyone still use film??)whenever any camera senses that I am in a place where photos are being taken, some little cosmic polterqeist who hates me for some reason, manages to do something to ensure that no good or even passable photos will result until I am no longer around.  (Hearing your snorts in the background!) You don't believe me, do you?  Well, read on my friends!

The very first experience I had with "Dirty Tricks Photography" was by far the worst.  It was my wedding day!  (I can hear your gasps, "No, not that day!  Nooooo!   Oh yes, My Wedding Day!)  My cousin was married at that time to a really nice guy who was a professional photographer.  As their wedding gift to us PhotoHubby offered to take the photos at the wedding.  We were thrilled.  We couldn't afford a professional photographer so this would be wonderful.  How generous of them!! 

The morning of the wedding,  just after I got up, my mother snapped a quick shot of me sitting on the sofa in my nightgown with my hair still in rollers (this was a long time ago!) and looking like the walking dead.  And then a short time later, after I had taken out the rollers and sort of combed out my hair, she took another quick snap of me in the mirror, still in my nightgown, with my veil perched on the top of my head.  (I looked like I was playing "dress up" or something.)

Anyway, shortly thereafter, PhotoHubby arrived and shot, and flashed, and focused constantly the entire rest of the day.  He was Everywhere, behind the priest  on the altar during Mass, walking backwards back down the aisle with us, at the reception, cutting our cake....everywhere!  He told us that night that he had  shot several rolls and thought he had some great shots.  He said he should have proof sheets for us in a week or so.   I was so grateful and excited to see them.  And off we went gleefully to our "honeymoon" (ahh, that's another story). 

So, we're back at my aunt's house for dinner about a month later and my cousin and PhotoHubby were there as well.  No one had said anything about the pictures (we didn't want to seem pushy), but I was anxious to see them.   After the meal was over, PhotoHubby said, "I'm afraid I have some bad news."  (Oh, crap!  This can't be good!)

It seems that he and his partner in the photography business had had a huge blow-up about 3 days after our wedding, and said partner had, unbeknownst to PhotoHubby, packed up everything that was in the studio and left town.  We were properly sympathetic and outraged for him.  But then he made it clear that the jerk took everything, cameras, negatives, equipment, film.  Film??  Our film??  All of it???  Even the stuff that didn't belong to him????  Yep, all gone, and PhotoHubby had no idea where he went.  Well, there you go!  There was absolutely no possibility of getting it back.  I was heartbroken, but I managed not to cry until we got home.  We couldn't even ask for our money back! 

The sad fact was that no one else took any photos because Photo-Hubby was a "Professional!" 

So ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in summation, poor little bride (me) has exactly two photographs recording her happy day....in her nightgown with a veil on her head!  And the are no photos of the groom (Mikey) at all.  See, because it hates me, the poltergeist planted that evil idea in the mind of the partner, leaving us with zilch!

And that was the start of my ongoing devilment by Dirty Tricks!  Whenever I managed to remember to take my camera to some event or other, the battery would be dead, or the flash wouldn't flash, or a perfectly framed and enchanting photo of the ones I love, a tree will seem to sprout out of someone's head and the rest will have their eyes closed.  Or the back of the camera will fly open and expose all the film! Photos that I thought were the right distance and lighting will emerge with the figures too far away to even recognize! 

And its not just when I am the one taking the pictures, oh no, that would be too simple.  If someone else is attempting photos and I'm around, well, suddenly there will be a big shadow, or the sun which has been behind a gray cloud bank the whole bloomin' day, will abrubtly poke through the clouds just long enough to make everyone squint!  Up until Photoshop, nearly every color photo shows me with "Devil Red Eye."  Its enough to scare little children!  Those photos by others are too light, or too dark, or blurry, or double-exposed, or some damn thing!

Unfortunately, I don't seem to be a quick learner. I kept trying.  Big problem #2....

The day?  Ratchlet's Wedding Shower.  (I'm hearing more gasps, I bet)  I volunteered to take photos.  Dear God, what was I thinking??  What was Ratchlet thinking??  It was a nice shower, with good food, lots of friends, some silly games, everybody had a nice time.  Somewhere toward the end it finally hit me that I would probably need to change the film soon.  I looked in the the little window to see how many shots I had left, but I couldn't see any numbers.  Oh pooh, I must have finished the roll without realizing it.  Not to worry, I had more film, even though the party was nearly over.  So I flip open the back of the camera and....IT WAS FRIGGIN' EMPTY!!!  I had been shooting the whole shower without any damn film in the camera!   I wanted to cry, I wanted to die, I wanted to kill that damned poltergeist!!  Why??  Why was he always doing this to me???  Why did he hate me so much???  It wasn't fair!

Ratchlet was very sweet about it.  She never got mad, or yelled at me, or anything.  But now, Ratchlet's hubby, TA, takes all the photos in our family and he NEVER focuses on me.  It seems to be fooling the poltergeist so far.