"Things I Couldn't Say" (aka Dear So and So)

It's veeeerrrrrry late on Friday, but it is still Friday for another 90 minutes.  So I think I'll be able to squeeze in a batch of  Dear So and So....filled with "Things I Couldn't Say"....

Dear End of Summer Administrators (who ever you are),

It doesn't seem possible but here we are already past the middle of  August and we are winding down for Fall and all that goes with it.  But really do you have to bring out the Kamikaze  Cicadas and the See-Through Geckos while we are still in the hottest summer on record??

The cicadas fly into the garage any time the door is open. The fly around madly, slamming into walls, cars, lights, floors, and people until finally they either find a perch they like or they literally fall to the floor, landing on their backs, and knocking themselves out.   Trouble is they revive, manage to get turned over and resume the Kamikaze flights.  You can't swat them, they move too fast.  If you manage to trap one under a broom, you can sweep it right outside, but the stupid things turn right around and fly right back in!!  Annoying in the extreme.  Darn things are about 2 1/2 inches long and look the size of a small commuter airplane about to land on me some where.    Ewwwwwww, go away!!

The geckos seem to like to hang out on the deck  climbing up to the light where they spend the night.  They just creep me out.  Little see-through lizards that move like lightening.  I'm always afraid they'll land on me too!  Ewwwwwwwww. you go away too!   Some people say they like to have them in their houses because they eat bugs and bring good luck.  HA!  I don't have bugs, thank you very much, and a transparent resident who can move at the speed of light is not my idea of a nice house guest.  Anyone who wants them, is welcome to come and get them!!  (Could you hurry, please?)

Squeamishly,
Mel


*****

Dear Air Conditioner Installers,.

I am excitedly looking forward to your arrival tomorrow with our brand new Air Conditioner!!  I am really sorry that you have to climb up to the HOT attic to take out the old and install the new.  Bring your sweat bands and handkerchiefs, you are going to need them!  We'll have ice water for you!

After being without a 100% functioning AC unit for the last 6 months,  (What?  It hasn't been 6 months???  Really???  Sure seems like it!)  Well, for what SEEMS like 6 months, where the inside temperature has been hovering between 81 and 83 all the time.  Our poor old unit managed to keep going, but it just couldn't get it any cooler than that.  We are anxious to have you bring our new unit!

But really, do you absolutely have to come at 8 AM???  On a Saturday??  Did the Big Guy happen to mention he works nights??  Or that I sometimes stay up veeeerrrrrrry late?  Mornings are not our best time....well, not my best time anyway. Of course, my bedroom is almost directly under the part of the attic where the unit lives and the compressor is right outside my bedroom window.  I suppose it would be pointless (and maybe a tad insensitive) to ask if you could either come back later or if not that, maybe you could be very quiet????  Yeah, that's what I thought. 

Maybe if I sleep in my clothes, I can roll out of bed at 7:30.  Grab my pillow, quickly drive the car to the nice, shady, park close by and go back to sleep in my wonderful AIR CONDITIONED car until you are done?  What do you think?

Either way, we really need to get this house cooled off!  Do your best please!  If it doesn't get cooler in here soon, I won't be responsible for my actions.

Just Get it Cool, man!
Mel


*****

Dear Mother Nature,

I have lived for a pretty long time now and have seen your rather quirky sense of humor before.  You like to tease us with good weather and inundate us with bad weather.  You are so unpredictable that I can guarantee that a lot of the people will be uncomfortable no matter what you do. 

I know that you too are very old and have been around for millenia.  I'm sure it gets kind of boring, day after day.  I mean you really don't have a lot of options to choose from.  Basically, you have to put together standard weather conditions (hot, cold, rain, snow, high pressure and low pressure, wind) in some configuration every single day!  So I can see why you like to mix it up sometimes. 

Like this summer for instance, completely different from last summer.  This year it's been non-stop heat, no rain, and clear sunny skies.  Several times you have rolled big, black, ominous rain clouds over us, complete with special effects (thunder, lighting, strong winds).  Making us all hope that at last the siege is over and rain and cooler temps are finally going to arrive.

Several times, you have then blown those clouds away, poked the sun through the remaining clouds, and pumped up the temperature without one single drop of rain falling to the ground.  Ha. Ha. You're pretty funny for such an Old Broad!

But I hereby give you fair warning.  Tomorrow and Sunday would NOT be a good time to play one of your little pranks by dropping the temperature like a rock.  I can guarantee that you would not like the consequences!  Yes, I will be driven to drastic measures if we don't get to use our brand new Air Conditioner, after spending so much money and so many days melting!!  I don't know exactly what I will do if the temperature does a complete u-turn, but it won't be pretty. 

Don't mess with the hot, cranky old lady!

I'm warning you!
Mel


*****

Dear Time Magazine,

You did it again!  What happened to your standards?  Who ever is editing each issue is getting really lazy lately.  Each issue has at least one, often two or three, corrections.  Somebody's name misspelled, statements attributed to the wrong person, that sort of thing. 

In your August 22, 2011 issue, you outdid yourselves!  In an article about the Drought that has hit large portions of Texas and the rest of the Southwest, you printed several photographs showing conditions that the drought has brought about.  My favorite was a photo with the following caption,

"The lack of rain has ruined much of the region's pasture lands, forcing ranchers to sell their cattle earlier than planned...."

  

The accompanying photo was of a stockyard filled with......sheep and goats! 

Henry Luce would be appalled!  I don't know, maybe those New Yorkers have never seen a cow!

Flabbergasted,
Mel


*****
Dear Blogland,

If you like Dear So and So, and want to give it a try, just pop over to Kat's Place at Three Bedroom Bungalow ( http://3bedroombungalow.blogspot.com/ ), hook up with her Linky and add your own! It's a great way to blow off steam, and you can read lots of other letters!

Your friend, Mel