"Through the Years"

I would like to lodge a complaint!  The trouble is I don't know who exactly to complain to and that is frustrating.  Somebody decides these things but nobody really knows who.  So we live with it! 

What am I ranting about this time?  Years.  Yes, years!  We have too many of them.  No, really we do!  It has gotten out of hand.  It amazes me that anyone can even keep track of every new year that starts up.  The problem, you see, is that it's not just one new year every 365 days (or less because of that February thing).  No, there is a new year starting practically any day you want to mention.  I'll show you what I mean.

There is:

CHINESE NEW YEAR-- They  have had so many of them, they had to assign animals to each one to help them keep track. I'm not sure it's working.  Depending on who you ask, this current year is "Chinese Year" 4709, 4708, or 4648!!

JEWISH NEW YEAR --  They've been counting for a looooong time.  The most recent number is something over Year 5770 and counting.

LITURGICAL YEAR--   Used by various Christian churches to determine when to start over the cycle of  prayers they say and the Feast Days they celebrate.  There are probably similar religion-based calendars for Buddhists, Hindus, Baha'i, Shinto, etc.  I just have no idea what they are.

ISLAMIC NEW YEAR-- Islam also celebrates a new year based on a cycle of holy days that do not correspond to the Gregorian calendar.  The Islamic year is 11 days shorter than the Gregorian Year.  This year, 2011, is Year 1432 H. according to the Islamic calendar.  That doesn't seem right!  I'm not sure if anybody actually did the math.

CALENDAR YEAR --This is the old boring one that always starts on January 1 and ends on December 31.  You know, the one you can actually get in printed form  (as long as you buy it before January 15, when they magically disappear.)

Even Dogs have their own mechanism for keeping track of the days.  Called DOG YEARS, nobody knows how to figure it exactly except for the fact that dogs get older a lot faster than we do.....I still don't quite understand how!  If I where able to have my own calendar I sure wouldn't age Faster!!

Every single business in the world has a FISCAL YEAR.  This is how businesses keep track of what is happening with their money situation. The same length as a calendar year, it just starts and ends on some willy-nilly choice of a date, that differs from company to company.  This is to confuse the stockholders.

Of course, there is the SCHOOL YEAR....which is so complicated, it has to be determined by an arm of civic government, the notorious School Board!!  It is the only type of year that can be added to or subtracted from mid-term because of  money or weather!!   

School Year is similar too, but not the same as the ACADEMIC YEAR.  Generally used by institutions of higher learning, this year is kept to the absolute minimum number of days the teaching assistants (and one or two professors) must actually be present in the classroom before anyone actually noticing their absence!

There is also a cute little thing called a YEAR ABROAD.  No one really knows what this means academically, but it costs a fortune and you have to place your trust in fate that nothing harmful will befall your offspring while they romp through their Junior Year on the other side of the world.  Thankfully, this "year" only lasts from 3 to 9 months.  At which point, the child comes home spouting unknown phrases in a foreign language; carrying 14 suitcases full of dirty laundry, and calling you "Ma mère".

Another gem is the ELECTION YEAR, which only comes around every four years....to everyone's eternal gratitude!!  (It is my own theory is that elections are held only every 4 years to allow sufficient time for voters to forget all the unmet campaign promises and vote the politicians back in office yet again despite the fact that they haven't ever voted anything but the party line.)

Let's not forget about the TAX YEAR!  Not that the IRS will LET you forget....ever.  They will hunt you down like a dog, if you try to get away with "forgetting" to pay up!

There is also the AUTOMOTIVE YEAR --  Which usually occurs in September or October, thus allowing men not to have to wait one more second before they can see "THE NEW MODELS" coming along.  Poor dears who love their cars, just can't take those extra days of hyperventilating and anxiety waiting to get a whiff of "that new car smell"!

I have also realized that Animal Husbandry (or something like that) dictates that all horses have the same birthday (even though they don't really). The same is true for lambs, I believe. I don't know what this practice is called, or what calendar is actually used, but  come one day in every Spring, all the ponies get one year older.  On a different Springtime day, the same thing happens with the lambs.  This is just laziness on the part of farmers and ranchers.  I don't think they even have a party!! 

Come to think of it, every single PERSON in the world adds a Year on their Birthday, thus every day starts a NEW YEAR for somebody....ACTUALLY lots of somebodies!!

No wonder a lot of folks lie about their age!    I mean, really, who can remember "Through the Years"??  After all, there are so many YEARS all going on at once??!!